#74 - What Does A Guy Have To Do To Get Some Intravenous Hydration Around Here?

I think one day I would like to go to a convention for nutritionists. Not to learn about new vitamins or pick up weight loss tips, but rather to see the colliding of worlds. I’d like to go to the big opening ceremony to see if the nutritionists who want us to drink 10 glasses of water a day have ever met, or for that matter heard of, the nutritionists who want us to eat six servings of fruit a day. And I’d also like to find out if those two schools of assholes are at all acquainted with the other school of assholes who want us to eat five small meals a day.

When I picture this convention it is attended entirely by tall, slim, white-coated Californians with gleaming teeth, lustrous hair and pockets full of raw almonds. They mill about being energetic, pumping each others hands while making forceful eye contact and every single attendee is either drinking water or munching apple slices at all times.

I have never seen the day planner of a nutritionist, but if they drink 10 glasses of water, eat 6 servings of fruit and 5 meals a day, I imagine it looks like this:

6:00 eat
7:00 drink
8:00 eat
9:00 drink
10:00 eat
11:00 drink
12:00 eat
1:00 drink
2:00 eat
3:00 drink
4:00 eat
5:00 drink
6:00 eat
7:00 drink
8:00 eat drink
9:00 bed

What else could they possibly have time for?


















I try to keep up with the hydration and nutrition demands of these ruthless maniacs, but honestly, my jaw’s not powerful enough to chew all that cud, and unless I hook up some kind of tube system from my wiener to the toilet, drinking 10 glasses of water a day would leave me precious little time for work.

You know who has the right idea? Football players. How many times have you heard that a certain NFL player was “given intravenous fluids at halftime?” Can I get in on that action please? Seems to me, it would be worth a trip to nursing school if I could just learn how to hook myself up to an IV without dying.












I’m tired of forcing myself to gulp down all this water. I’m tired of chewing for myself like a sucker. What I want is a reclining chair with a bag of fluids strapped to it that I can hook myself up to in the evenings while I watch TV. I’d put some Poweraide or iced tea in there, maybe with a splash of pure alcohol and save time and money by cutting out everything from the esophagus up. And while I’m at it, I might want to install a shunt in my belly—a window, like the ones they put in cows at Science Farms. That way I could stick a couple carrots and apples and a hunk of cabbage in there and digest them without having to chew. I’d also like to have a little removable tray installed inside my gut so I could eat fried dumplings, Big Macs and ribs for dinner every night, but remove them from my system before they were digested.

Come on science, catch up with me here. You’re lagging!